Dee Femina - Not Just a Crossdresser

I've done it !!! What has she done, you ask?

2007-02-01T16:05:00.000+11:00

Well what I've done is buy a proper fair dinkum corset. And it looks just gorgeous...as do I in it if I must so myself.

I've always wanted a proper corset...one that pulls my waistline into that gorgeous feminine waistline. But I resisted (until now) because I just didn't see how and when I'd wear it...well other than in the privacy of my bedroom which is just not good enough.

And then I came across "corsetted_girl's" flickr page...and I just knew I had to have one as well. She wears corsets with "normal" clothing, including jeans and I think it's a great look. Check her out at http://www.flickr.com/photos/corsetted_girl/

So I popped around to Gallery Serpentine and after wonderful friendly and helpful service from the lady running the shop, I bought a "Victorian Under Bust Corset". That's it in the photo.

Hope to have some photos of me in the corset quite soon...and I hope to find the time to go out dressed in it (and wearing other clothes as well...ie I won't be in the nude) even sooner.

Yes, I said I'm putting "Dee" on the back burner for awhile...and I am due to work load and work pressures...but Dee is always in me and with me and I just could not resist buying this corset.

Hugs to all you lovelies,
Dee

A need to simplify my life means....

2006-12-10T15:06:00.000+11:00

well, the need to simplify and uncomplicate my life means that I have to put my t-girl activities on the back burner for awhile.

I have in fact already put my en femme activities on hold and other than a brief outing one evening and a few brief moments online, I effectively haven't been expressing and participating in my usual en femme activities. The lack of it has however been causing me some anxiety and stress and I think it's time to accept that I should formally put it on the back burner until such time as my time availability returns to normal. When will that be? I have no idea...the past 18 months have been crazy crazy and I can see that lasting for the at least the next 12 months, and possibly even for the next 3 years.

This decision of mine does not mine that I forsake my transgenderism. I am transgendered, will always be transgendered and I see that aspect of me as a gift and an advantage in the way I live and conduct my life. I also don't intend to "purge"...I'll kep my clothes and makeup for those ocassional opportunities that I may find over the next one to three years.

I will miss my many friends...in fact, I already miss all of you who I have neglected and not seen or communicated with over the past months. That's the saddest thing about being in the closet...the complications and limitations that are placed on these TG-related friendships of mine.

Hope to be back and active as soon as possible; but for now my work-life is all consuming and the few spare moments of free time that I have needs to be kept for devoting to my family-relationships.

Bye for now, but not bye for always.

Heaps of hugs and love to my very special friends. You've all contributed to my happiness and knowing you has helped me get through some very difficult and traumatic times.

End of my Canberra-era

2006-09-27T13:07:00.000+10:00

My Canberra-era has probably reached a closure point.
For the past 15 months I've been travelling to Canberra on business on a very regular basis...at least monthly and often for many weeks in a row. It's been a wonderful opportunity for me to be "Dee" and go out as the total and true Me. Sadly my need to travel to Canberra this regularly has come to an end. It will be sad not to regularly see the many people I've become friends with. No more "resident tranny" at Knightsbridge Penthouse!!

My last night turned out to be a bit of a fizzer...but it was still a fitting and happy ending.

I wasn't sure whether I'd have the time to go out...work work work...damn work!! So I didn't make any arrangements to meet up with anyone. I was working in my hotel room trying to meet a critical deadline. As I often do, I was progressively putting on my makeup while I was working...work for a half-an-hour, then do the foundation...work for another half and hour and the eyes get done...and so the transformation and work progresses side by side.

By 9.30pm my face was done...still heaps of work work to do, but I was sick of it. Besides, this was my "last" night in Canberra, so how could I not go out.
And my face was PERFECT...the best I've ever done my eyes and the lips were just perfect perfect as well (I guess practice does make perfect...eventually).

The outfit...new rouge longsleeved t-shirt top from Ojay, jeans, stillettos, black short trench coat (new off eBay). Gorgeous (if I have to say so myself)!!

Run the gauntlet out of the hotel and hope like hell that I don't bump into a work colleague who often stays at the same hotel. Into the car (red V6 3.0 litre Jeep Wrangler...very feminine...lol) and off to Knightsbridge Penthouse. My fav bar as regular readers would know. As the resident-tranny I know the owner and most of the bar staff and many many of the regular patrons. Always a wonderful evening chatting to many different and interesting people.

Major disappointment!! I get to Knightsbridge Penthouse and it's closed!!! Major damnation!! I won't get to say "Hi and Bye" to Bria and my many other friends.

What now? Back to the lonely hotel room? No way!!

Off to Tilley's...quiet at Tilley's; almost closing time there. And it's not really a venue where you get to meet and talk to strangers. Anyway, had a glass of wine...was found somewhat unusual and amusing to some young student chicks...not in a horrible way, but they kept glancing at me and whispering. No problem for me...I'm afterall an exhibitionist at heart.

Got bored there, so went to Trinity Bar. Great bar, although I have run into some narrowminded macho young guys there in the past. No problem tonight. Another quiet glass of wine on my own. Then got bored there as well. Into the ladies loo for a "retuck" and to touch up my lipstick.

Where to now?
Ah, let's head into slightly more "squares-ville" and show the "normal" people what a real live tranny looks and acts like. Its now 11pm and I'm thinking of one of two options...either go for coffee and dessert at a trendy (and expensive) restaurant which I've often thought of having a meal at; or go to Muddle, a trendy bar for the "30-40 somethings".

Got there and the restaurant was closing up...so it's option 2, Muddle.

Walked into Muddle and it's PACKED!! You could hardly move in there. A quiet unobtrusive entry is impossible. Squeeze squeeze "excuse me, excuse me" through to the bar area. But everyone was ever so polite...mainly young professionals (well young by my age-standards) and the guys ever so politely moved aside for me to squeeze through...just as they would for any lady trying to get to the bar. Nice feeling and nice manners displayed by all of them. Just normal!! And that's how I like it. Guys didn't give me a second look; ladies did. Funny about that...the women always "check me out". But then I guess women always check each other out in any case.

Delicious creamy cocktail. Most enjoyable, but again very "quiet" in that it isn't the type of bar where strangers talk to strangers...unlike Knightsbridge Penthouse where I've always ended up in delightful and interesting chats with total strangers. Interesting how an owner (Bria at Knightsbridge P) attracts patrons that reflect her own friendly open communicative manner.

The evening ended quietly as it started...finished my cocktail and headed back to the hotel. made it safely to my room without encountering the nightwatchman or my work colleague.

Not the "last night" I had in mind, but still a very very happy evening and a contented Dee.

PS. Forgot my camera at home...damn...would have loved to have had pics of me with my perfect makeup and gorgeous outfit...ah well, the evening will simply have to be recorded in my memory.

Rock Chick in Pink...messing around at home

2006-09-15T16:43:00.000+10:00

So today I decided to take it easy; do a few personal things and work at a leisurely pace at home...the past month (year? year and a half?) has been crazy crazy from a work perspective. I therefore felt I deserved a break...and I do!!

First thing...off to Double Bay; coffee and some emails...then to Sharon-Lee Studio to have my eyebrows shaped...wonderful and relaxing and Natalie (who knows that I'ma tranny) did a wonderful job as always.

Next of to Surrey Hills to look for a ring...couldn't find one I liked, so off to Paddington. Still couldn't find one, so headed home.

Mmmm...shaped eyebrows so off course I had to get dressed and do my makeup.

I've got this yearning to play in a rock band as a tranny. But I'm not going to subject the public to my guitar playing...happy to subjecth the public to me as a tranny, but a completely different thing for them to have to listen to my musical abilities.

The next best thing was to do a few poses with my guitar.

Most enjoyable...and at least it helps me to dream sweet fantasies.

For those interested, more pics on my Flickr site

Celebrity Look-alikes....where's Elle MacPherson?

2006-08-29T20:51:00.000+10:00

Juest did this really funny celebrity look alike thingie that I saw on Kat's blog. Mine is hilarious.

Here's the link to mine.

Mastered the art of painting my nails...almost

2006-08-29T19:52:00.000+10:00

Travelling on business again. So last night I got to my hotel, unpacked my goodies, got dressed up in my femme clothes, makeup and all those things...and the settled down to paint my finger nails. And I did them perfectly...and that with my cheapish practice nail polish. Felt really proud and off course I thought my nails and fingers looked just beautiful.

Tonight, same thing. Came home (well to the hotel), got dressed up partially...which means light makeup, lippie, girls jeans, high heels, cami top...oh yes and earrings and bracelet...and off course perfume...just loooooooove perfume.

Anyway, sat on the terrace of my room with a glass of wine and painted my nails with my fav MAC nail polish...Mmmm, not as successful this time. But I've learnt that some clear varnish over the top afterwards can hide a multitude of bothch ups.

So all round I'm fairly pleased with my nails.

Then I felt like a drink...cool bar just down the round from the hotel. What to do...take off make up and nail polish? No way!
Well I did take off my lipstick, earrings and bracelet and threw on a man's sweater over my femmie camisole. Oh yes, and switched the high heels for a pair of Doc Martins.
Of to the cocktail bar...girls jeans, foundation, eye shadow, mascara, nail polish and my girl's "mood" ring.

And nobody even made a comment...damn...I'm such an exhibitionist and a comment would have been great!!! LOL

Sat and drank a lovely glass of wine, flashing my hands around in a very feminine manner...and listened to a group of chicks discuss their shoes. All very relaxing and interesting. Mind you, they were discussing heel heights...mine are much higher than any of them were comfortable with...but then what does comfort have to do with it in any case.

Off to bed now. Still have the nailpolish on though...hehehe....love it!

Blissful Canberra Evening

2006-08-10T22:11:00.000+10:00

Had a great evening out with my friend Szusza last night. We met at my fav cocktail bar, Knightsbridge Penthouse (wonderful-sweet-friendly-kind-welcoming-Bria's bar...thanks Bria, you always make me feel welcome).
Anyway, great chatting as always with Szusza. From Knightsbridge we walked across the road to a French restaurant and had dinner...and then back to Knightsbridge Penthouse again for more drinks.

At 1am (or 1.30am) Bria said "Ladies, do you mind if we close now." Ever so sweetly said, but yes it was time to head home.

I always enjoy an evening out in the company of Szusza. Szusza is my transexual friend who lives in Canberra. I admire her enormously. She lives a full and complete life as a woman, doing normal "womanly" things, joining and being accepted at a prestiges business/political/networking club in Canberra...and none of this was easy...Szusza had to bravely go out there and show society that she is a normal regular woman who deserves respect and acceptance.

Szusza was the person who took me out of my comfort zone by extending my public outings from the safety of gay clubs into the real world of "regular" restaurants, clubs and bars. For that I will always be grateful to Szusza and without her firm encouragement I probably still wouldn't be as comfortable and confident going out in the real world.

Thanks Szuzsa and thanks for being a good friend.

Wonderful evening and it was a blissful sleep...after taking a few quick (bad) pics of me in my new Ojay denim pencil skirt (the photos do no justice to how cool and sexy the skirt is) and my new red velvet jacket.

Ojay Girl

2006-08-07T07:41:00.000+10:00

As some of you know, I'm a big fan of Ojay (an Australian clothing boutique). Most of my outfits are bought from Ojay and the ladies at my the two stores I usually frequent know that I'm a crossdresser and they're really helpful and totally cool with me trying on clothes in the fitting rooms.

Well, Ojay have just taken a step up in my esteem with their new website. Their new Autumn/Winter collection has suggested "looks". Perfect for an evolving girl like me! You go into their "Collection" tab, the select (say) "skirts", find the skirt you like, click on that and then it gives you a look to go with the skirt. Great stuff and very very helpful. I've already selected several looks that I like. And it's amazing how many of their looks already exist in my wardrobe...or maybe it isn't amazing seeing as I tend to buy all my things from them.

I guess you can call me an Ojay-Girl!
Maybe they're looking for a new model...Mmmmm.

2nd Anniversary

2006-07-22T11:14:00.000+10:00

I can't believe that it's only two years since I first emerged into public as Dee. A bit sad to think that it took me 49 years to discover, realise and come to terms with the fact that I was transgendered.

Almost exactly two years ago I stepped out into the street dressed en femme and experienced my trans-ness properly and completely for the first time. Yes it was tentative and a small step...had a makeover done by Ben (aka Vanity Faire) in Oxford Street, Sydney and walked from his salon to my car, then drove through Darlinghurst to Potts Point, where I again mingled with the pedestrians heading home after work as I walked to a photographer's studio. Small step...but a huge leap for me.

A lot has happened since then and I've met wonderful people within the transgendered community.

It was therefore a perfect anniversary celebration for me when I went out in Erskineville with friends about two weeks ago. Katya and Cyanne...two individuals who have helped me enormously and the two people who escorted me to my first proper and real public outing (in October 2004)...and Lorraine, Angie and Julia. A wonderful evening starting at a Thai restaurant in Erskineville and then a short walk to the Imperial Hotel for drinks and more chatting. Perfect evening...low key, but so much enjoyment.

The photographs are of our evening out two weeks ago...my 2nd Anniversary celebration.

Delightful evening in front of the webcam

2006-05-29T17:13:00.000+10:00

I had a great evening last week...chatting to friends and meeting a new friend (Hiya Ivy!!!)

I got dressed in my hotel room, had my "room service" dinner and then set up my new webcam and looged on to yahoo to see which of my friends were around. It was great...mainly great because I could sit and look at myself in my webcam window...lol...how's that for vanity!

It did make a big difference to me though in talking to my friends and knowing that they could see me.

Wonderful!!

PS. Yes, I've "perked" up since my last blog post...nothing like looking at my pics to perk me up.

They pic above is of me on the evening...in my "elle" wig...lol.
The photos say that it doesn't really suit me, but what the hell, I enjoy that look.

Reflecting on 51 years

2006-05-29T16:18:00.000+10:00

Today's my birthday...51 years of age.

I don't actually feel any older; in my head my age is stuck somewhere around 30 to 35...maybe even younger...probably even younger. My birthday doesn't mean much to me. It's just one of those things that comes around and ones family makes a bit of a fuss of you and I get a few CD's I've wanted to buy and an interesting book or two.

What I do tend to do though is get a bit melancholy as I reflect on what I've achieved, and more depressingly, on what I haven't achieved. Shattered dreams and all that.

And so it is again today...I had my life planned and mapped out and knew exactly where I'd be and what goals I would have achieved by the age of 50. By the age of 40 I was totally on track to achieve that. And then the last 6 years shit hit me and my dreams and goals all lie shattered. My business partner's view is that we both still have 15 years ahead of us to achieve those dreams, and he is right. But somehow that's no consolation to me on days such as today.

When you're 30, your whole life still lies ahead of you and those goals seem so tangible. By the time your 50 (or 51), the situations not the same any more. Goals not achieved start looking like they're not achievable and off course, you have the unfortunate situation where you know that they haven't been achieved.

So today is melancholy, sad and just a touch depressing.

Tomorrow is another day and as always I'll perk up and just keep fighting away to at least get closer to my unachieved dreams.

Bad hair day !!!!

2006-05-21T16:58:00.000+10:00

I've just looked at some photographs (self portraits, darlings) I took about 10 days ago. It was a lovely evening...in a nice apartment room in Canberra, first time dressed en femme since mid-February, nice bottle of red wine...perfect. Only thing that would have been better was to have had some friends there as well.

Anyway, looked at the photos and ...Oh My God!! Horrors !!

My grandfather used to say that photographs don't lie...I certainly hope they do.

My hair was a shocker...squashed flat after months in a suitcase;
My makeup looked like something out of...well out of "Bad Tranny Looks" (if there was such a magazine);
And my damn waistline looked (looks?) absolutely horrific...fat and shapeless.

So back to the drawing board for me.

I'm almost tempted to post one of the pics here just to show that I'm not lying...but I do have just a touch of vanity, so I'm not going to do it. Might post it in the future when I'm seriously drunk one evening.

God, this is hard work...all this beauty stuff.

Work, work, work...and beauty therapy for the (femme) soul

2006-05-18T17:56:00.000+10:00

Work, work, work...that's all my life seems to consist of at the moment. It's actually getting quite boring; both the continual work and the fact that "work" takes up all of my thought processes...and the fact that I keep talking about it is also boring.

At least I have been keeping up my beauty regime and added a new therapy, namely regular eye brow shaping. In my head and being I am off course always transgendered, but I've had very little opportunity to physically express my feminine side through dressing (twice since mid-December)and going out (once since mid-December). I therefore really value and appreciate my regular beauty "treatments, which consists of leg, stomach and chest wax every 4 weeks and since recently, a monthly eye brow shaping at Sharon-Lee Studios.

Now if only I can get my life sorted out so that I can actually go out and show off the results of this regular beauty regiment.

Ah well, I'm sure it will happen soon...And in the meantime I'll just keep making sure that my bod and face is ready for when opportunity knocks.

Good times and disappointments

2006-05-13T15:43:00.000+10:00

This past Thursday evening was my first opportunity to get dressed since mid-February. That means that I've only been able to dress twice since before Xmas.

I was back in Canberra on Thursday and Friday and I planned a relaxed evening in the hotel room, doing my makeup and trying on all the items of clothing that I bought on eBay over the past few weeks. My life's been very intense from a work perspective and because of that I decided that I wouldn't go out...just stay in the hotel suite and watch TV with a glass (actually a few glasses) of wine. Maybe pose a little in the various new outfits.

And it was a lovely relaxing evening. Nearly went out...that always happens to me; once I'm dressed I just have to go out for a drink.

The only disappointment of the evening was all the bad purchases that I've made off eBay. The wonderful velvet jacket (see previous blog entry for photo) is too small, the Chinese satin jacket did arrive and is beautiful...but waaaaaaaay to small (ladies XXL in China clearly means something totally different), leather skirt (allegedly from Spain) is gorgeous but doesn't come even close to getting around my waist....what else? There were a few other items that also turned out to be duds. At least the two wrap dresses do fit me, but I will have to do something about the weight I've managed to accumulate around my waist.

Looks like Transfabulous/Cyanne/Katya will be receiving a donation of clothes from me.

The contentment of getting dressed and seeing myself back in en femme mode was wonderful.

Stress turns into shopping mania

2006-04-29T13:13:00.000+10:00

Whenever I'm highly stressed at work and under pressure, my mind takes me to one of three different places...actually my mind takes me to all three places but I get to chose which one I make use of to relieve the stress. Two of the "places" are a) get dressed and go out for a drink or dinner (or both) en femme and b) go shoppin!!! The third "place" my mind takes me is not a "healthy" place so I won't discuss that and fortunately I generally avoid going there.

So the past 4 weeks have been particularly pressurised and stressfull at work. Going out en femme was not an option, so instead I hopped onto eBay and other online shopping resources every few hours when my mind was in need of a break and my psyche in need of a recharged battery.

And did I shop!!
Most of what I bought was totally the wrong thing and its highly unlikely that I'd ever wear it in public...either not appropriate for my age or not something that I would ever wear in a normal environment. For instance, I got stuck on a fetish clothing site and ended up buying a short dress (very short!!) with a net frill at the bottom...unless I attend a fetish party (which is unlikely for the pure reason that I never go out en femme on weekends when any such fetish party may be held) I'd never get the occasion to wear it...and the fact that it's so short that my bottom is only covered by the netting, also make it unlikely that I'd be wearing it even if I did go to a fetish party...lol...silly t-girl.

I did buy a brown velvet jacket which I think is going to be gorgeous. Brown's not really my colour, but it was such a gorgeous jacket that I just had to have it. It's in the mail on it's way to me from the USA. That's a photo of it above.

And then I bought a Chinese red satin jacket...again have no idea when and where I'm going to wear that to. Then again there is a good chance that it's never going to arrive...I bought it for 6c...yes 6 cents...the postage is $22 and the compulsory insurance cost $1. If the item doesn't arrive, the seller will refund the cost of the purchase. Mmmm...so if it doesn't arrive I get 6c back?! And if it wasn't mailed in the first place, then the seller has made $23! Let's see whether this item of clothing is ever going to arrive. And if it does, where the hell am I going to wear it to?

My first and final items of purchase were two wrap dresses. I nearly had three!! I bid on one dress, then saw that the same dress was available for "buy now" at less than my bid on the first dress...so I took the instant "buy now" option and then hoped like hell that I'd get outbid on the first one...which eventually happened after 4 days. Phew!!

All I have to do before I can wear the (very tight) wrap dresses in public is either lose some weight around my waistline or get one of those waisty-cinchy-thingies that Cyanne has been trying to get me into. I tried on the wrap dresses this morning ("Home Alone"-closet-tranny-time) and it looks really cool with a pair of western boots that I've owned for 20 years. The boots are guy boots, but I think they work with the wrap dresses.

Also bought some jewellery from Gallery Serpentine. It's different...sort of gothic victorian...I really like it. Earrings and necklace and I'm now planning to get a bracelet in a similar style from the jeweller.

I need to get out there again...soon...otherwise I'll end up with an even bigger wardrobe.

Eye brow shaping at Sharon-Lee Studios

2006-04-21T23:53:00.000+10:00

I had another new and interesting experience today. I went and had my eye brows shaped at Sharon-Lee Studios in Double Bay.
Beautifully designed and decorated studio.
And the beautician who did my eye brows was amazingly skilled. I'm sure they all are.

Today's visit was a cautious one. I just wanted to check out the lie of the land so to speak. Didn't do my usual "I'm a lady!" bit. So my brows were neatly and expertly tidied up, but from the perspective of them being a guy's brows. Next time I'll start getting a bit more adventurous and ask her to subtly create a more feminine shape...and arch if that's at all possible.

Anyway, made my week. I felt so good when I came out of there.

The woes of mature age bodies

2006-04-12T17:29:00.000+10:00

Six months of over-work and business travel (which for me means lots of vodka martini's, other cocktails and bad eating) followed by stopping smoking (which means that I now drink alcholhol when I would previously have had a cigarette) has taken it's toll on my figure. I've gained about 8kg's over the past 6 months or so, and it has off course all settled around my waist.

I'm reasonable fit and my legs and butt still look good....but oh dear...this stomach!!! Horrors is all I can say.
And the waist cincher suggested by Cyanne is not going to help at all...it's going to have to be damn strong to have any success in the waist reduction department.

This past weekend I finally decided to take myself in hand and deal with the fat stomach. So after my long Sunday run, I set about doing abs exercises.

How did it go you ask? Well my dear, I managed to tear an abdominal muscle instead of exercising it. That's put a stop to my abs exercises for at least the next 3 to 4 weeks.

Yes, the woes of a mature age body.

(no photo being published of the fat stomach)

Normal chick doing normal things...Mmm, really?

2006-04-09T11:55:00.000+10:00

Following on from the previous post, I also reflected on how "normal" my en femme activities are. In many respects that is true. I've progressed from the "lingerie-sexual-(slightly)deviant stage to a stage where I really love dressing as most normal woman would and where I dress in clothes that reflect my personality and ties in with my dress style as a guy...so yes, I love jeans and t-shirts.

As part of my reflection I looked at some past photos (one posted in this blog)and thought..."now isn't that just absolutely normal?". You be the judge of that.

And then I realised...would my wife spend an hour or so in the hotel room taking photographs of herself before going out to dinner? I don't think so!! So I guess I'm still not a normal woman...and probably never will be. But I am me!!

Happy and content stage of my development

2006-04-09T11:40:00.000+10:00

Over the past few days I've (for some or other reason) on several occasions reflected on my transgenderism (which is what's in my brain and heart) and my crossdressing (which is...well, which is dressing as a woman...lol). And I have to say that reflecting on where I've come from and where I've got really created a warm, happy and at peace feeling in me.

Yes, I'd love to be able to dress more often and go out for dinner and a drink with friends while dressed en femme. In fact I'd like to wonder around Paddington with my friends, window shopping and stopping for a coffee and generally just having a normal life...but dressed en femme. And yes, still not having told my wife about me and my transgenderism and crossdressing is causing me angst, discomfort and a level of unhappiness. But overall, I can't imagine being able to be this content and happy had I not developed my crossdressing and understanding of my transgenderism to this point.

Where is it heading? All I know is that I have to tell my wife...after that I think I'd be able to raise to a whole new level of peace, happiness and wholeness...the deceit will be gone and that will mean that our relationship is once more complete, totally open and honest and "whole".

I think the time for telling her is near...over the past three years or relationship was impacted by external environmental stresses We knew that and we knew that we'd get back to our "soulmate" relationship. That's pretty much happened and I therefore no longer have an excuse for not telling her.

Now off course, this may take several months!! My brain and heart knows that the time is nigh...my gut is not yet totally convinced and seeing as I'm an intuitive "gut-feel" kinda person, my gut makes the final decisions.

April Fools Weekend

2006-04-03T09:59:00.000+10:00

And I was a bit of a fool, although not an April Fool. I was a fool because I spent far too much time online. The weather was great, I could have gone for a surf, or sat at an outside cafe reading or chatting and drinking coffee...but no, I became obsessed with some totally unnecessary and worthless online activities.

Note to self - cut out the crap and spend your time on worthwhile activities.

Other than that, it was a good weeked. I was at peace for a change (other than for the aforementioned obsessive addicted behaviour) and everyone else in the family was also at peace and relaxed.

Oh yes, a friend came round for a casual dinner last night (Sunday evening) and she had a beautiful scarf round her neck. It mesmerised me the whole evening and for the first time I realised the extent to which a beautiful scarf can turn a very simple understated outfit into something very stunning and interesting. So guess what I'm going shopping for next!

Time for a change of direction for my blog? I think so.

2006-04-02T12:12:00.000+10:00

I think it's time to change the nature and use of this blog. It was originally created to track and comment on my public outings and unusual experiences like going to exotic dance classes. That was great and I needed a space and place to record those.

That need however doesn't exist within me anymore. Yes I still love going out, probably now more than ever. There is however no longer any burning need inside me to talk about each time that I've been out. This is partly so because it has become more "normal" to me; and then I have to admit that my public excursions will probably be less often now that I'm travelling less on business.

What I do have a personal need for is a diary where I can ramble about my personal and inner thoughts as I go through the ongoing journey of discovery.
YES! for you 30-something youngsters who sometimes read my blog...at the age of 50 I've discovered that my journey has only just began and that most of my early (of age 20's and 30's) expectations and visions of where I'd be now and what I'd be doing have proved to be totally and completely wrong. Oh yeah and guess what...I may be 50 but I still feel, think and act pretty much exactly as I did in my 20's...although I do now have the benefit of some life experience.

Anyway, as usual I digress...back to my new blog...

Will this include thoughts and comments relating to my transgenderism? Absolutely!! Not a day goes by that I don't think about my transgenderism and my crossdressing (two separate things in my opinion). In fact I probably don't go for more than 2 hours without thinking about?

I am inclined to express my deepest and personal thoughts. I wasn't always like this; I use to keep everything to myself, but as I've uncovered my previously hidden transgendered side, so I've become a more open person. In the past I did have periods where I was a very open person and then periods where I withdrew into myself. My most successful times have been when I was open.

You will therefore mostly likely find this new direction to be very boring and irrelevant. That's okay, you may gracefully and quietly "disappear" from viewing and commenting on my blogs...I won't be offended, that I can assure you. In fact I probably shouldn't even be expressing my thoughts, feelings and ramblings in such a public way. However, I'll ignore my own good advice and put my thoughst and ramblings out there because something inside me needs to do that.

Work..or go out?

2006-02-25T13:38:00.000+11:00

What does a t-girl do when she has an immutable deadline, heaps of work to get done in order to meet the deadline and she's working in her hotel room...oh yes, and she hasn't been out for more than 2 months (not since mid-December!!!)?

Well, what she does is she gets dressed up, does her makeup during her breaks from work and keeps working like the sensible person that she is...and takes bad self-portraits as you can see from the pic.

and then she has a glass of red wine...and then another glass of red wine...

and then Szusza calls at 10.30pm to say that she's about to go Cube Nightclub to watch two friends in the karaoke final...

and then what does Dee do?

Well my dears, off course I decide "stuff the work", touch-up my lipstick, grab my hand bag and head out of the hotel room and out the front door to meet Szusza and head off for Cube!!

Sensible? Not at all!
Wonderful, delightful, fulfilling, soul-centering? Aboslutely!!
Dee's back in town!

Out of the wardrobe, into the closet

2006-02-14T17:41:00.000+11:00

As some of you may know, I rented a room in Canberra late last year and thereby managed to get all of my femme stuff out of it's various hiding places and into a proper wardrobe. What a wonderful experience for this here (semi) closeted t-girl. For the first time I had everything easily accessible, not to mention the fact that my clothes, wigs and stuff was no longer squashed and scrunched up in suitcases. I discovered things that I'd forgotten about.
Just the best best experience...my own room with all my Dee-stuff neatly packed away and easily accesible. That wonderful feeling of opening the wardrobe, examining your outfits and deciding what to wear for the evening. That's a feeling you simply cannot recreate out of a suitcase.

But, alas, my Canberra-time has come to an end and so I've given up the room. It was always only going to be a short while, but various circumstances have caused my Canberra sojourn to come to an end sooner than originally planned.
I'll miss my wardrobe and I'll miss my regular and easy evening outings around Canberra. At the same time it's great to be back with my family on a permanent basis as opposed to only seeing them on weekends. The fact is that my family is more important to me than anything else...so yes, now I don't get to out en femme as easily and as regularly...but I'm happy with that.

My goodies are now all back in suitcases...my stash has grown to two suitcases and a biggish bag. And those are back in my home office...danger territory for sure. I'll have to find a more permanent place to store my things. Somewhere where I can unpack it properly.

So it's back into the closet with me and my things...till I can sort out my femme life.

Beautiful music from a transgendered person..Antony + the Johnsons

2006-01-28T08:32:00.000+11:00

Girls (and boys), do yourself a favour and go and listen to "I am a bird now" by Anthony + the Johnsons. Beautiful beautiful music with the lyrics having a transgendered theme...which is understandable given the fact that Anthony (UK born, lives in NYC) is openly transgendered.

Anthony's music will naturally not appeal to everyone...but if you're transgendered, I think you may just find a special connection with the music and words.

My wife bought this album for me for Xmas. She knows my very specific and selective (although broad) music taste and knew I'd love this album and in addition she was fascinated by a newspaper interview with Anthony in which the reporter attempted to explore Anthony's transgendered side.
So this is or was off course the perfect opportunity for me to tell my wife that I'm also transgendered...but yet again my courage failed me.
Anyway, I do find it interesting that my wife was fascinated by the article and that she somehow sub-conciously associated Anthony with me.

But back to the main purpose of this blog...beautiful music, relevant lyrics, sung by a transgendered person with a wonderful voice. Guests providing additional vocals on the album are Boy George ("surprise surprise"...hehehe), Rufus Wainwright (another "surprise surprise"!) and Lou Reed.
Just wish there were more guitars and guitar riffs...ah well, things can't always be perfect.

The joys of feminine youth

2006-01-27T09:02:00.000+11:00

This morning on the ferry, on my way into the office, I sat and watched a young woman put her makeup on in the 15 minute journey into the city. It was both beautiful to watch and also "envy-creating" and yes, a bit of a reality wake-up for this mature-age tranny.

Firstly, to think that it's possible to get your makeup done within the space of a 15 minute ferry ride, is simply incredible. I've got it down to 1 hour...and I'm proud of that accomplishment. And off course my laboured one-hour does not producing an end product that comes even remotely close to the final look produced by this young woman.

The "Secondly" is off course the reason why she can get her makeup done within 15 minutes...beautiful youthful skin and a feminine face and features. I sat and watched in fascination as she used tiny amounts of foundation, bronzer, eye shadow, etc to create her finished look. I'd use that amount of foundation just to get my nose to look decent. It's all in the difference of the canvas isn't it...her canvas is perfect and flawless and feminine to start with, whereas my canvas needs a lot of preparation before the painting can even begin.

She filled me with envy...but also with joy at watching this beautiful ritual. Watching someone apply their makeup is quite an intimate experience. Is it only because I'm a crossdresser that I'm that fascinated by the process? Or do all men and women find it to be a beautiful process to watch?

Anyway, it was a great way to start the day.

Transvestite, is the word that you heard

2006-01-12T16:43:00.000+11:00

Several girls, whose blogs I regularly read, have started a campaign around the search results within Google when the word "transvestite" is entered. This seems like a worthwhile campaign to me, so I'm repeating Becky's blog below.

I'm backing the campaign to get Transformation off the top spot for Google searches with the Anti-Transformation Google Bomb! The idea is to "Google Bomb" the Wikipedia entry for transvestite with links labeled simply with the word "transvestite". Google should hopefully see all the links for that word pointing to Wikipedia and count it as a more authoritative source of information. We're not sure how many links it will take, although a conservative estimate is 30.

If you have a blog or a web site, and you support the campaign, please copy and paste the code in the "transvestite" link below into your blog. You'll be doing trannies of the UK and around the world a favour!

"transvestite"

If you'd like to use this entire message in your own blog to help promote the Google-Bomb, you can download it here.

Links to this campaign and other blogs
Rambling thoughts and bad poetry: Transvestite, is the word that you heard

"How Boyish or how Girlish" am I?

2005-12-31T15:45:00.000+11:00

Well girls. I've done yet another online gender test. And like the COGIATI test, I come out 50/50. I'm totally cool with that and it correlates with my own understanding of myself and where I sit on the gender spectrum.

This is what the recent test has to say about me...and I can assure you, I'm NO EUNUCH. It all functions very nicely thank you!

You Are 50% Boyish and 50% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch.
Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes.
You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them.
You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

Isn't this just the most beautiful girl!!

2005-12-27T00:15:00.000+11:00

Lana...hope I don't embarras you...but this is just one of the most beautiful photographs I've ever seen. God girl, you are beautiful!!!

Lana's blog is at TransLation.

Here's to a healthier 2006 !!

2005-12-24T14:57:00.000+11:00

It's not exactly 2006 yet, but I've started planning and practicing my new year's resolutions early. Yes, normally I totally ignore the whole concept of new year's resolutions...but this year I do have to make some changes.

So I've stopped smoking...this time it is for ever...this body of mine has been put through some serious abuse over the past 30 years or so...time to let it heal. And my smoking has been getting worse and worse...so it's time to give that up.

Need to lose about 5 kg...again...had lost it, but excessive work over the past 6 months has let to the discipline slipping badly...so I've eaten badly heaps of times and drunk far too much alcohol and not exercised...time to change that and lose the 5kg and get my sexy feminine waistline back...okay, so sometimes I live in a fantasy world!!!

Spend more time with my friends...the ones who know the total me.

And to do all of the above I have to get a better balanced work life...I have to keep the meaningless job in perspective...only work as hard as is necessary and which bears a value resemblance to the fees I receive...the workaholic's efforts aren't full appreciated in any case, so why kill myself.

Find a meaningful project for 2006!!

There you have it...my plans for a healthier 2006.

My new toy...an epilator

2005-12-11T16:29:00.000+11:00

Well girls, I've got a new toy. A Braun Silk Epil. And what a wonderful new toy it is. It's already given me several hours of fun times.

For those that don't know, an epilator looks and sounds like an electric razor...except it's pink! And instead of shaving the hairs, it plucks it out with tiny little tweezers.

Why did I buy it? Well apart from the fact that I love smooth hairless skin! The reason is so that I can beat those clever pesky hairs that appear immediately after I've had my body waxed.
I have my legs, stomach and chest waxed every month. But there are always several individual hairs or small groups of hairs that hide just under the surface during the waxing, and then within a day they suddenly pop up and start growing furiously. It's almost as if they conspire against me being smooth and hairless like a woman. Well now I have the answer. I zap them with my Silk Epil!! Perfect!!

And let me also tell you that it's a very enjoyable and useful passtime when you're lying bored in your hotel room watching "The Fifth Element" for the 10th time. On Friday night I was out of town on business, too tired to get my makeup on and go out. So I lay on my bed, watching a movie and casually working away on my bikini-line with the Epil. You'd be surprised how smooth and hairless you can end up after 2 hours of that activity. And in some unmetionable but essential places where this girl likes being hairless. Just wonderful!

I won't give up my regular waxing sessions...just enjoy the pampering and chatting too much...but the Epil is a very handy additional beauty tool. There are very few beauticians who are comfortable doing a mature tranny's bikini line...and I don't blame them. Now I can deal with that myself.

Go get yourself one. It's worth every cent. And by the way, I bought the older model which was on sale at half price as a new model has just been released. The old model does all it's supposed to, so there's no need to spend the extra money on the new model.

Happy Epil-ling!!!

All very exciting!!

2005-11-26T09:51:00.000+11:00

I can't believe that it's more than a month since I've last posted on my blog. Well, life remains hectic and crazy work-wise...the "life returns to normal" blog turned out to be a pipe dream.

But some exciting things have happened to me over the past month.
I met another one of my online friends...both of us in drab...having a drink in Canberra and a most enjoyable chat. I really enjoy meeting my online friends in person.
And I've been out dressed in femme in Canberra fairly regularly...although not as regularly as I'd like to. My friend Sharon and I have had a few nights out in Canberra. Sharon is a real woman who relates to crossdressers and the two of us have great chats about all sorts of stuff.
I also joined a small group of the Canberra t-girls at dinner one evening. Although I got lost and only arrived when everyone else had eaten already. But it was still good to meet Simone, Tiffany Jane and the others.

And now for the really exciting thing I've done!!...well I think it's exciting.
As those of you who know me know, I get some crazy creative ideas into my head at times...like doing exotic dance classes. Well my latest crazy creative idea was to get into a house-share with female housemates...somewhere where I can unpack all my Dee-stuff and live en femme to my hearts content.

And that's what I've done. This coming week I move into a room in Canberra, sharing the house with two lovely women. It's going to be great. For the first time ever I'll be able to unpack all my stuff...which has grown to three suitcases full of clothes, shoes, makeup and various other femme things. For so long I've had to dig around in hidden suitcases, furtively selecting what I think I might need for a two day business trip, worrying about what critical item I might have forgotten. Now I can unpack everything in my room and admiringly and leisurely decide what I'll wear for the evening.

I'm also really looking forward to just hanging out with and chatting to two women who are totally cool about having a crossdresser share their house with them. I think they're quite looking forward to this novel experience as well. This is going to be fun.

This is off course only a temporary arrangement while I continue to spend two to three days a week in Canberra on business. By the end of February my Canberra business will be done and then my Dee-stuff will have to go back into hiding.

All very exciting!!

It drives me crazy when...

2005-10-16T20:48:00.000+10:00

my wife comes home with the most stunning pair of high heels. Crazy with desire, frustration, jealousy, envy and all those things.

My wife has the most stunning high heel shoes. Like most women she has a thing for beautiful shoes. And many of her shoes are ones that I've bought her on business trips to Europe and the USA.

Off course she has dainty female feet in a size that's way to small for my not-so-dainty feet. How I wish I could fit my feet into her shoes.

Anyway I'm going to have to go searching for a similar pair of high heels as those that she bought this weekend. Perfectly beautiful, sophisticated and yet sexy with a pair of jeans.

Life slowly returns to normal

2005-10-02T15:39:00.000+10:00

Yes, I am still here and haven't done a disappearing act. I've just been working incredibly hard and long hours on a project that was finally completed two days ago. For 6 weeks I worked 7 days a week, 16-18 hour days and few 21-22 hour days.

But I've survived that 6 week intensity and now my life is slowly returning to normal.

What's the definition of normal in my world?
All of the following!

- Going out dressed en femme. Last Tuesday was the first time in 6 weeks that I went out dressed en femme. And what a lovely evening it was with a new girl friend, going out for dinner and then having some drinks where I bumped into other friends. All round a wonderful relaxing and "psyche-centering" evening

- Today was the first time in six weeks that I went for a run. I love my running and not only does it keep me fit, but it's great for stress relief and then that's also the time when I think and reflect on life, my plans, etc.

- This coming week I'm taking a brief holiday and going surfing with my son at one of my favourite isolated surf spots. Camping, bonding, surfing, relaxing and recharging of batteries. What could be better.

- Stopped smoking...again!....stopping and starting is "normal" for me.

- First time in weeks that I found the time to cook a meal. I love cooking for my family and yesterday was the first time in 6 weeks that I had the time and frame-of-mind to cook one of my big special meals. Loved it.

- Spent some time with my family...my wife and kids...after weeks of neglecting them physically and emotionally. Oh yes and I'm back to normal mood-wise. No more stressed-out-adrenalin-wired-moody-unpleasant husband and dad. Actually, the think that suffers the most during these intense work periods are ones personal relationships. I know it's bad and wrong, but unfortunately the nature of my work seems to create these excessive and intense periods of work.

- And then I'm back to not always being sensible. That's me and is one of the things that defines me. Wednesday night, with masses of work to complete before the project deadline two days later, I decided to take a break at about 8pm and go for a quick drink before getting back to several more hours of work. But then off course I ended up chatting to Hamish who was behind the bar and Jess who is normally behind the bar, but was just hanging out on the patron side of the bar. So after several hours of interesting and enjoyable chatting and several drinks later, I was in no shape to go back to work. But I was happy. It becomes boring to always be sensible and besides, having an interesting evening chatting to friends (old and new)is far more important than just working 24/7.

So yes friends, I'm back to normal. Hope to catch up with as many of you as possible in the next few weeks.

Fantastic week of Adventures

2005-08-21T10:12:00.000+10:00

I recently read a magazine article that said that we nowadays use the words fantastic, awesome, wonderful, incredible, etc so freely that it's lost its true meaning in our everyday vocabulary.

Well, I've just had the most fantastic, awesome, wonderful and incredible en femme adventures in Canberra...and I mean that in its truest and fullest sense.

I had a week of going out every evening and met the nicest people and had a wonderful time en femme.

- Great cocktail bars...Trinity Bar, Hippo Lounge, Tilleys and Knightsbridge Penthouse
- fantastic live jazz at Hippo Lounge
- a wonderful evening of conversation, cocktails, dinner and more cocktails in the company of my friend Szusza
- really interesting and stimulating conversation with two wonderful people...the bar staff...at Knightsbridge Penthouse who had to throw me out at 3am in the morning
- oh yeah, and I locked my hotel room keys in my room and had to get a spare key from reception...while dressed as Dee!

A really fantastic week. I just wish that every week could be such a complete en femme week. Off course it was also a sad week as a very good friend of mine passed away at the end of the week under very sad and tragic circumstances.

Where to from here in terms of my femme-transgendered-crossdressing side? I know where I'd like it to go...if I had a magic wand, which I don't have. So instead I will be sensible and pragmatic and continue to enjoy these moments when my whole-self comes together as Dee. Sometimes, as has been the case over recent months, I'll get plenty of opportunity to express my femininity in a physical manner and other times I know I'll get very infrequent opportunity. There is no doubt that I'm the happiest and with a centered psyche when I can dress en femme and interact with people as Dee. Not that I want to transition...I know I'm not transexual and I know that I am and need to be both male and female.

At the end of the day we need to live our lives in a way that's practical, pragmatic and takes into account the needs and wishes of the loved ones around us. So many people live selfish, self-centered lives. That's not the way to live our lives...the people around and with us are so important and we must never forget that. For me, this means that I can only occasionally dress en femme as my wife and kids need a husband and father. I'm happy with that. That's what I want above all else. I do off course realise that this "pragmatic-approach" is only possible because I actually have a need to be both male and female...my opinion and decisions would have been totally different if it had been essential for me to live my live 24/7 as a woman.

For those interested in the complete blow-by-blow story of the week's adventures...in typical Dee-style, which means long rambling inner thoughts expressed writings...have a look at my website (www.deefemina.com)under "Adventures". The relevant story/adventure is titled "4 Straight Knights in a Row".

A Wake-Up Call

2005-08-13T13:19:00.000+10:00

On Friday morning I was woken up with one of those phone calls that you just dread receiving. It was a call from a friend letting me know that a close mutual friend of ours had committed suicide the night before. I was devastated. He was the last person I would have expected to resort to such a drastic and final step. Always a happy, smiling, positive, healthy and...on the face of it...strong person. How sad that he felt that life had no future for him. How sad that he decided to leave behind a wonderful wife and two small children. And how desparately sad that I didn't know what he was going through and that I wasn't there for him.

Maybe I couldn't have helped him at all...but just maybe I could have. I've been there. I've been where he was, but for many reasons I was able to fight and withstand the demons and found the strength to continue and to recreate myself and my career and enjoy this wonderful life.

So many of us have failed him and his family. How many other people are out there right now that need our emotional and spiritual support? And how many of them are being failed by us, their friends and colleagues. This has been a real wake-up call to me...very very sadly too late to be of any assistance or help to Dan. I'm sorry Dan, I really am. I'm sitting here crying. I'm crying for you, your family and for me. I'm crying because for weeks now I've been meaning to send you an email to find out how you are and I never got to do that. And now I never will be able to.

I'm not a suicidal person. I'm a fighter, a survivor and I live this life to it's fullest extent. But I have had these thoughts during my darkest moments over the past two years.

I want to thank all the people who have helped me, without them even realising how much or that I was in need. I won't name anyone, but the people who I'm referring to are my "Dee" friends. The many wonderful people who know me and my TG/crossdressing side and who have all accepted me for who I am as a person. You know who you are...if you know me, Dee, in real-life or even if we've only met and chatted online or if you've met me in a bar/cocktail lounge and accepted and chatted to me, then I'm talking about you and thanking you. I know all of you by name and face...so I'm not talking about faceless strangers.
You have all been the most wonderful and coolest people I've ever met and known. You are the ones who didn't judge me by how much money I earn, nor by the status of my job (which was non-existent for most of the past 2 years) or my car or by where I lived. You simply accepted me for who I am as a person. You have no idea how much you helped by enabling me to feel and realise that I had an identity and that I was a worthy person even though my job title no longer started with "Executive Group CXX".

Thank you. You are all the most wonderful people and my life is richer for knowing you and counting you as friends.

And finally, let's all remember that there are many people out there who need our help and support. Let's not fail them.

Burning Needs

2005-07-29T20:44:00.000+10:00

I've had an intense and stressful two weeks with 16 hour work days. And all I can think about now and what I desparately need is to get dressed up, go out in public and relax with a drink in a nice cocktail lounge with an interesting crowd.

Don't you find that? That burning need to dress and go out en femme...occupying all your thoughts.

Unfortunately I've got so much work to get through over the next 10 days that there will be no time whatsoever to get dressed and go out.

About ten days ago I spent three days struggling with a complex conceptual problem (something similar to a complex mathematical problem) and I was getting absolutely nowhere...tackled it from every angle, but just couldn't find the answer. Then I went out en femme in Canberra with a friend and had a wonderful wonderful evening. The next morning I walked into the office and within 30 minutes I'd solved the problem.

How's that for achieving total focus and clear thinking as a result of the peace and contentment that descends on me after a evening out as Dee. I guess it's the only time that my mind feels totally holistic and where all my energy and psychy comes together in peace, clarity, happiness and focus.

Joannas Diary: a TGirl Blog

2005-07-17T10:24:00.000+10:00

Joannas Diary: a TGirl Blog

I am just so so flattered that someone like Joanna of UK Angels fame has discovered my blog and was so kind as to post a comment.

Thanks Joanna!! You've made my day.

And thanks also to you Becky. I love getting comments from you!! Always sooooo articulate and humorous.

Other Girls, do yourself a favour and read Becky's T*Blog...always always interesting.

So again, Becky and Joanna...you've made my Sunday morning. Wow...easy to make my day isn't it?! As my uncle used to say about my cousin...she'll do anything for a choccie. Well, I guess I'll do anything once I've received a compliment...or a comment to my blog!!

Girls can and do wear Jeans

2005-07-16T15:01:00.000+10:00

I'm told that crossdressers don't wear pants or jeans...only transexuals like wearing pants.

Well I got news for you girls...I like wearing jeans and I'm not transexual.

I think women look fantastic in pants and particularly in jeans. Smart business suits with pants, tight tailored pants, jeans of all descriptions...well of most descriptions. It's just really beautiful to see a slim woman in tight jeans...the way a woman's body and sexy bottom displays in form fitting pants or jeans is just an absolute beauty to behold.

So I've decided that I CAN wear jeans...and I just love it. I think the last 5 times I've been out I've worn jeans. I originally bought one pair, wore it and loved it. But off course then I decided that they weren't quite tight enough...didn't show of my smallish bottom to its best advantage. Well Bobbi has told me that I have a great "arse", so I've now bought myself a pair of very very tight Levis. Possibly too tight, but what the hell, I feel good in them.

Off course I do still love skirts and dresses...after all smooth legs in stockings and high heels look and feel wonderful in skirts.

So girls, t-girl crossdressers can wear jeans and they do look good.

Fun night out at Cube Nightclub in Canberra

2005-06-25T16:58:00.000+10:00

Well, I've been out and about again. Yep, I'm finally getting to go out en femme almost weekly and off course I just love that.

Last Thursday evening...yet again in Canberra on business...I got to my hotel room and thought, "Right, tonight it's off to Cube Nightclub". I'd heard that it was a very lively club, that it was Canberra's gay nightclub and that it was tranny-friendly.

So after getting dressed, I snuck down the emergency stairwell. Yes, I'm still a bit nervous about walking out through the hotel lobby...especially one where they know me very very well as I'm a weekly visitor. Anyhow, the emergency stairwell was supposed to bring me quickly and unobserved to the safety of the dark car park...and off course I walked straight into a guy about to leave the hotel by the same side entrance as I was. He blinked, "double-taked" and then held the door open for me!!!

Cube was great. Lively and excellent for people-watching. But off course at 10pm at night (which is early for Cube), instead of finding a gay nightclub, I walked straight into a heterosexual early-twenties crowd. They were very cool about me though. No-one stared or sniggered...they just accepted me as just a "regular" patron. I guess people (gay and heterosexual)who frequent Cube are used to and accepting of t-girls and crossdressers.

Off course, a guy tried to pick me up. It was nice having someone to talk to, but I had to eventually point out that I was happily married to a beautiful woman. Although I didn't go to Cube to be picked up and although there was no way I was going "home" with anyone...not guy or woman, it was sorta nice to have someone find me attractive as a "woman"...even if he was mainly interested in my type of woman. Pity his conversation wasn't more interesting...he kept telling me how intelligent he was, but I dunno about that...I must be thick to not have noticed how intelligent he was.

And then I bumped into Szusza, who I had met in Sydney on my first ever outing when Cyanne and Kat took me with them to the Gender Centre's "Frolic" evening. It was great to see Szusza and we'll definitely catch up on one of my other Canberra-nights. In fact, Szusza told me that I need to stretch my comfort zone a bit and she plans to take me to dinner somewhere safe, but less "comfortable/easy" than Cube. I'm ready!!...well provided I can sneak out of the hotel unseen.

And then I still want to meet up with Simone as well. So soon I'll have plenty of friends in Canberra.

There's another and probably longer version of my night-out (and photos of my outfit) on my website. Have a look at the "Blog Journal" page at www.deefemina.com

One very happy and contented Tranny

2005-06-13T20:26:00.000+10:00

Finally I'm feeling more peaceful, happy and contented. Those of you who know me fairly well or communicate with me often will know that I've often been depressed or at least "down" over the past 12 months.

I'm happy to report that that aspect is behind me, for the moment at least. I'm working on a meaningful, challenging and stimulating project again. Although it's only medium term (probably 3 to 6 months), I do feel that I'm being recognised and valued again. And off course I'm earning a decent income again.

And then, I've discovered, explored and expanded so much about myself in the past 12 months. It would be fair to say that I'm not really the same person anymore...well at a deep fundamental level I am, but I've added additional dimensions...and I love that.

Not only am I now starting to venture out en femme, on my own, but I've generally grown and developed as a person since I've started to give expression to my feminine transgendered side. And off course the crossdressing opportunities are part of that expression.

The new friends I've made over the past 12 months are very special to me, and each one has contributed to my personal growth. Thanks girls, girls and guys...you've all really helped and supported me in different ways.

So yes, for now, this is one very happy tranny...both as a tranny and as a person generally.

2005-06-11T10:52:00.000+10:00

Monroes in Melbourne

T-Girl Solo Night-Out in Melbourne

2005-06-11T10:48:00.000+10:00

I am again travelling on frequent business trips, and while I don't like being away from my family, I am really enjoying the opportunities to dress up and go out en femme.

Dee is getting plenty of Dee-time again!!

So last night I was in Melbourne, all on my lonesome self. With a bit of pre-planning I was staying in a quiet boutique hotel in St Kilda and Denise (a Melbourne t-girl) had made some suggestions regarding tranny-friendly places open on a Thursday night. I was ready!!

After a lovely relaxing dinner in drab, I headed back to my hotel. Did my close-shave thing, then lay back in a nice warm bath...so relaxing. Now I was ready for my makeup. I really enjoy the whole process and experience of doing my makeup...really just makes me feel so feminine when I'm doing that and I love the progressive transformation. And I'm slowly getting better at it, and that makes it even better...experimenting with my eyes, trying new things...just love it, love it!!

Then time to get dressed...Mmmm, stockings...what can I say...another wonderful feeling and off course I love the look. Anyway, after the hour-long makeup process, the dressing is quick, and so there I was ready for the evening.

The outfit....same black cami top and plum "tie-in-the-front-under-the-boobs" long sleeved top I've worn in my last few outings (I had actually bought a new top...a beautiful one...but I thought that the Melbourne night air may be a bit chilly for that), and a new above the knee black skirt. Fairly conservative look, but stylish and still eye catching.

Ready for the still scary, experience of leaving the safety of the hotel room and venturing down the lift and through the hotel lobby. And off course, as the lift door opens in the lobby, I would have to stare straight into the faces of two guys waiting to enter the lift...squeeze past them and then walk through the fairly busy lobby....it was supposed to be empty at 10pm in the evening!!!...out the door and onto the busy Fitzroy Street sidewalk. Heartbeating, trying not to make eye contact with passersby, but then I do because I want to know whether anyone is looking at me and whether I've been outed. Anyway, as Cyanne and Bobbi have both taught me....stomach in, shoulders back, tits out!!! And Katya's advice...look confident! See, I do listen and learn.

Into a cab and off to Diva's in Commercial Road where I was going to have a few drinks, watch a drag show and hopefully chat to a few interesting people. I wonder what cab drivers think?...a chick hops into the back seat and then says "Diva's in Commercial Road" in a deep man's voice. Mmm...I guess that's not the most unusual thing they've every encountered.

Anyway, Diva's was really quiet when I arrived. In fact I was the only patron at 10pm!! Had a few drinks, and then another vodka...and finally at 11pm the place started filling up and the two drag queens arrived. They were both very attractive and femme looking. I received several "glares" from them though...I was the only t-girl there and I don't think the two performers welcomed my presence at all. I'm guessing that they like to be the only "femme" presence at Diva's and receive all the attention. Not that anyone was paying any attention to me *sad face*(....and here's a sideline typical "Dee-distraction-thought"...although I don't want to have to fend off any male admirers and although I will sweetly decline any invitation to whatever....I do still want to be noticed and receive attention!! Contradiction? You bet, but as a t-girl I'm filled with "contradictions".)

Anyway, I enjoyed the drag show. It was great and it's fascinating to see how feminine their movements and lip synchs are. Really enjoyed it. But after the first set, I decided it was time to move on. Didn't want to go to the Xchange down the road cause I was told that it's a bit of a meat market, and I wasn't in the mood "to be the meat". Mmm...another contradiction...I want to be noticed and receive attention, but yet I don't want to go to a "meat-market". I suppose that's not all that contradictory...most real women probably have the same feelings and reaction.

Well, it was back into a cab which I directed to a restaurant / cocktail bar called Monroes in Fitzroy Street, St Kilda...about a block away from my hotel. Actually, as I discovered afterwards when I walked back to my hotel...a very loooooong nerve-wracking block away from the hotel!!

Denise had told me that t-girls often have dinner at Monroes and that they were very accepting of trannies. And they were. The waiters, both male and female, were very friendly and chatted to me as if there was nothing unusual about me at all. I sat at the bar and had a glass of wine. The one waitress kindly took a photograph of me. Actually two, becuase she said "Come on, let me take another one with you smiling this time".

Then I got brave and went and sat outside at one of the sidewalk tables so that I could watch the passing parade while enjoying my wine. It's a wonderful feeling...although still slightly scary for me...to sit out in full view to the passersby. One guy who walked past instantly "outed" me. He obviously is an experienced tranny-chaser. He walked past, looked at me and then turned round, came up to me and said "Hi darling, would you like some company?" Off course I did want chatting company, but decided that it would not be wise to engage a tranny-chaser in conversation. So I smiled and sweetly said "No thank you." See Cyanne, I told you I had not been a naughty girl on my night out.

It's interesting to me that the only people who really noticed and outed me where two different sets of women at the restaurant. They spotted and outed me instantly! The moment I walked in I saw them looking at me and whispering amongst themselves. Off course I know that I'm not really passable...at 6'3" in my high heels I most definitely don't blend in. And another contradiction...on one hand I do want to be noticed for who and what I am, but at the same time I want to imagine that I'm totally passable in which case I wouldn't be noticed for who and what I am...silly me, hey! Anyway, I'm starting to get used to being noticed as a t-girl and I'm becoming more relaxed and comfortable with that.

After finishing my wine, I headed back to the hotel...it was now 1am in the morning. But St Kilda was still very busy and I had to walk along a very very busy sidewalk. Outside one of the night clubs my one shoe slipped off and I had to bend down to tuck my heel back in...right in front of a group of young guys standing at the entrance to a club. Being noticed and outed by groups of young guys is actually the thing that I dread most...women and older guys and gay guys don't bother me, but I really feel uncomfortable when I approach groups of young straight guys. Do all t-girls feel this way? Or in fact, maybe most women feel this way? I don't know, but I'd be very interested to hear from others whether this is a general feeling.

Entering the hotel I was yet again questioned by a security guard...I seem to be attracting the suspicious attention of hotel night-time security guards (see me Canberra hotel experience below). I'm guessing that, from their perspective, a 6'3" tranny entering a hotel late at night is usually there to earn some extra money. The thought that that may be what they are thinking of me is both irritating and flattering.

Safely back in the hotel room...a very happy and contented Dee!!

2005-06-10T17:28:00.000+10:00

Me at Tilley's in Canberra

Night out in our "lively" capital

2005-06-06T22:20:00.000+10:00

Well, I've just had a very interesting night out in Canberra (our capital city for those of you that are non-Australians). Firstly, Canberra is very quite...and I mean veeeeeery quiet....on a Monday night. But I was here on business and it was such an ideal time to get dressed en femme and go out for a drink.

So I did my makeup, got dressed and then strolled out of the hotel at 9pm. That all went fine. I then drove to "Tilleys", the only tranny-friendly place open on a Monday night. Arrived, walked in...got a few glances...ordered a drink and then went and sat outside. Had a ciggie and quietly had my glass of wine. All very uneventful but I was enjoying every minute of it...just the being "Dee" out in public bit.

And then it got interesting. A rather strange and somewhat drunk lady arrived. She bummed a cigarette from me, then some money for a glass of wine. Then she chatted away to me...which was sorta nice because I was getting bored sitting outside on my own. She tried to sell me her sunglasses...at 10pm at night!! I declined sweetly. Then I noticed she was wearing some interesting rings. I ended up buying a really nice big one from her.

And, this is were it gets a bit strange...she then wanted to give me a passionate kiss. I literally had to forcibly keep her mouth away from mine. After giving my "falsies" a squeeze, she then wanted to sit on my lap....it was actually quite funny. I eventually had to say "Now come on, stop being a naughty girl. You sit there on your chair and just drink your wine." This really naughty throaty laughter came from her. Anyway, then she behaved herself.

After that I'd had enough "excitement" for the evening, so I headed back to the hotel. Parked my car...again all very uneventful. Then I proceeded to the hotel lobby, only to find the manager and several other people at the front door discussing some or other problem. My nerve deserted me, so I went and stood around the corner and had a cigarette. And that's where the night security guard then came and "investigated" me with his torch. I was obviously looking very suspicious. In fact he no doubt thought I was a lady of the night loitering outside the hotel hoping to sneak in...and off course he was right, in a manner of speaking!!!...hahahah. I have no idea whether he "picked" me as a tranny or not, but I then "had to" head in through the front door so as to stop "loitering". It was really quite scary walking straight pass the "straight" manager, several staff and hotel guests.

All round a very interesting evening with several more firsts for me!!!

I'll post some photos of me at the restaurant, Tilley's, in the next few days or so.

Three Chicks on a Night Out on The Town

2005-05-11T12:50:00.000+10:00

Cyanne, Becky and I had a wonderful night out on the town in early May. It was absolutely fantastic!! Well I thought so in any case. I just love going out en femme and having a few drinks and heaps of chats with friends. It is just the most wonderful, relaxing and enjoyable thing I can think of.

We got dressed at TransFabulous and Cyanne did my and Becky's makeovers. We then headed for a new bar next to (or attached to?) the Oxford Hotel in Taylor Square. Had a nice relaxing drink and took a few photos. Then moved on to a wonderful Loatian restaurant...I think called Peppercorn...just down from the Oxford Hotel. Really delicious food with wonderful flavours. We sat outside and watched the passing parade while having dinner. I talk in a very loud voice...just can't help it...so I wonder how many passersby looked at the "girl in the loud booming male voice"? I have no idea and, to be honest, I really don't care either. That's just me...loud male voice in girls clothes.

After dinner we went across the road into Stonewall (Oxford Street, Darlinghurst darlings...for those of you who don't know where the famous Stonewall is). I have to admit that I felt slightly nervous walking into a big busy bar filled wall to wall with guys. Just a touch intimidating...but that lasted all of 3 seconds and then I just enjoyed myself. Chatted to a really open friendly visitor from London, watch some karaoke...hilarious, that's all I can say about that.

Then we headed across Taylor Square to Deck Bar where we had a last drinks...actually we were drinking soda water by this stage. While I stood a the bar ordering our drinks, a young girl looked at me and couldn't quite contain her fascination and slight giggles for this somewhat different "girl". I just smiled sweetly at her...totally unfazed. I noticed she kept stealing glances at us. With a bit of luck we've educated her into realising and understanding that it's okay to be a t-girl and go out in public...I think we have.

After that it was back to Cyanne's place to change and scrub the faces...and then off to home and bed. What a blissful happy contented sleep that is after such a fabulous evening spent chatting to wonderful, fabulous, gorgeous people.

You can see photographs from the evening on my website www.deefemina.com. Just go to the "What's New" page or straight to the "Blog Journal" page, and you'll see some photos. I'll be posting some more photos of the evening in the next few days. The photos have been posted on my website. Go to the "My Photo's" page and from there you'll see the link to the Three Chicks Night Out photos.

[Key words: Crossdressing, crossdresser, transgendered, transvestite, tranny]
What's this about? Well I've signed up to Google publishing ads on my blog...Yes, so I can maybe make some money...let's see whether these keywords generate relevant ads.

Not Just a Crossdresser

2005-04-06T17:58:00.000+10:00

My very good friend Gaylene...yes that friend who is the ONLY person who posts comments on my blog...has said to me that I should change my blog name from "Just a Crossdresser" to "NOT just a crossdresser". I though about it and realised that she was right.

And then another friend asked me a question and in answering it, it became even more clear to me that I'm much more than just a crossdresser. That question and my answer is posted below (slightly edited):

Do u wish you could actually live full time as woman? Or do u just have cravings sort of thing?

Mmm. This is a very good question. This is really something that should be answered over a cup of coffee/tea, coz it's not that easy to put down on paper and probably needs an interactive response where the answer will lead to more questions and more answers, etc.. But I'll give it a go.

So to your question.
In a dream-world I would dress fulltime as a woman, with makeup and female clothing and a feminine hairstyle and all that. But I would still be a genetic man (well, "genetic third sex"...I don't really think of myself as male or female...more like some third sex with a mixture of male and female characteristics and brain)and would be totally comfortable with people knowing I'm a man who looks, dresses and walks like a woman. Oh yes, and I'd hang on to my "dangly bits". I'm very comfortable with having them, thank you, and have no intention of losing them. Although it would be useful if I could tuck them away easier when wearing tight clothes or short skirts or lingerie. And I'd still wear jeans and t-shirts most of the time (my standard dress code), but it would off course be a different style and cut to what I currently wear.

But that's a dream-world and will never be reality for me. What I would love is if I could dress up, do my makeup and look like a woman whenever I went out at night. And if I could do that as often as I felt like. And even do that during the day when I felt like going clothes shopping for "Dee" or just felt like going out en femme....Mmm...starting to sound like my dream-world again.

So it's definitely more than an occasional craving thing for me. I really just love and admire woman...they way they look, dress, act, move, etc etc. And I'd like to look that way as often as I possibly could. Maybe it's a need to express the inner-feminine side of me. I don't really know. I just know that I have a need and a desire to look as feminine as possible. But it's more than just the feminine-look...I know that I have very strong feminine/female characteristics and definitely have a lot of "female" in my brain.

So on reflecting on the above, I've decided to change my blog name to "Not Just a Crossdresser".

Dancing Practice

2005-04-04T08:53:00.000+10:00

Some photos of me doing my dancing practice. Now if only I could teach my dog to take photos, I'll have many more and undoubtedly better ones of me practicing my dancing. But then again, it's probably just as well my dog can't take photos coz he'll no doubt then have the ability to blackmail me.

Dancing Practice

Dancing Practice 2

New Dancing Shoes

2005-04-01T16:03:00.000+10:00

These are my new exotic dancing shoes. Yes, I can actually walk in them, although it took some practice. Pity about the silly butterfly in the platform...I had expected it to look ever so dainty and pretty...oh well.

And I received a huge compliment from Bobbi, my dancing teacher. She said "deadset a chicks legs". A nicer compliment I could not have received. Is it vain to love compliments? I don't know, but I love it.

New Dancing Shoes
New Dancing Shoes

New Dancing Shoes #3

"English girls are pretty when they play guitar"

2005-03-31T09:12:00.000+10:00

A line from a Ryan Adams song..."English girls are pretty when they play guitar". How true for all girls, not just English girls. As an ex-rock guitarist I find almost nothing sexier than a beautiful female rocker with a guitar slung across her shoulder. That's another one of my dreams...do a performance in a rock band dressed as Dee.

Don't believe me that it's sexy? Have a look at PJ Harvey (www.pjharvey.net). Not only is she beautiful (not your "pretty feminine girl" beautiful, but sexy rockstar beautiful), she's oh so sexy with her guitar...oh yeah and she's the ex-girlfriend of an Aussie rocker...ah yeah, and she likes short skirts, just like me...so how could I not aspire to be a "tranny-PJ"...lol

2005-03-31T09:10:00.000+10:00

PJ Harvey in concert

Need help re Researching T-Girls roles in (probably) ancient history

2005-03-25T11:15:00.000+11:00

Girls, in addition to my more crazy fun t-girl activities, I have suddenly developed an interest and need to research certain aspects of transgenderism. Who knows, maybe I'll even write a book*. What!! Dee be serious?!! Yes girls, I am actually capable of being a serious person.

The broad topic that I'm interested in (and for those interested in my ramblings, I'll try and explain below why this topic interests me) is what the role of transgenderism/transgenderists has been in past cultures and societies. I am only interested in "positive" roles in history, whether recent history or ancient. I have picked up a few anecdotes that suggest that in some ancient cultures t-girls were totally accepted by society and in fact in some cases revered. It's this area that I'm really interested in.

I'd really appreciate it if anyone (and everyone!) could point me in the right directions in terms of books to read or reference material or websites...anything that would give me useful material to read and research.
Please email me (see button below) or post a comment (see comment button below). All the help and direction and references source you can give me will be fantastic.

So why is this girl now turning her attention to some serious stuff? And why this topic?

Well, firstly I am growing up and maturing as a t-girl. And through that I've realised that I am now actually comfortable with the number and level of t-girl things that I'm doing and experiencing. These are:

a) Communicating with my friends. Whether this is talking to, meeting with, online chatting or emailing. And here I include t-girls and real women. In fact, this friendship area is one where I am starting to see the distinction between my t-girlness and the rest of me disappearing. Lets face it...friends are friends...and friends ultimately can't and shouldn't be compartmentalised.

b) Going out en femme. This is really really important to me and somehow I have to find a way to do this more often. I find that I'm balanced in my t-girl interests and activities when I get to go out en femme and express my feminine side in that way. If I haven't been out for a while, my mind starts taking me into the "dark zone" (which I'm not going to explain...I just know I need to stay out of that zone).

c) And finally and importantly, my exotic dance classes. This started off as a bit of a crazy thought and a fun thing to do. But it's developed from there. Firstly I can now see, in Bobbi's words, that it will teach me "sensual confidence". And I really want that...in fact I think everyone (male, female and t-girls) could and would in fact benefit from that. And then off course it is, or will eventually, teach me to have feminine movements and deportment. And finally, I am finding it fascinating to see that certain movements come naturally to females and are really difficult for my male body to do. I'm enjoying all these aspects of the exotic dance classes. Ah yes, and then Bobbi treats me like "one of the girls". That means a lot to me. That on its own would be enough reason to carry-on with the classes.

So, after all that rambling, what I'm trying to say is that I don't feel a need to push my boundaries any further. Sure I still have a lot to learn, but that will happen naturally through interacting with like-minded people...and that I'm doing.

So I don't need to push my boundaries further, but I am a Gemini...in fact I am in astrological terms a "multiplied or amplified or triplified" Gemini. According to my astrologer, he has never seen such a strong Gemini. And Gemini's characteristics lead them towards research, analysis, interpretation and teaching (oh yeah, and independently from being a Gemini, my "teacher" side is also amplified).

And the upshot of all of the above (or maybe it has nothing at all to do with any of the above...who really knows), is that I want to research, understand and interpret the roles that transgendered people have played in past cultures and societies. I am 100% sure that we would have had positive roles in many societies and I'm sure we would have had "priestess" or similarly revered roles in ancient times. I want to know and understand that, and then I'd like to research and understand what happened...why society changed it's opinion about us. And as I've said, maybe I'll then write about this and my findings. That "teacher" in my certainly has a need to educate society about us.

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"Footnotes"

* I've always wanted to go and live in Tuscany or Greek Island...actually I'd be perfectly happy with the hills behind Byron Bay...and write a book (yeah yeah, I know there's nothing unique or original about that thought), but off course never had an idea what to write about. Maybe this is it!!...LOL

My Dee-side has kept my psychy anchored and centered

2005-03-23T16:57:00.000+11:00

I don't know whether any of you fellow t-girls have found this or not, but I've found that "being Dee" and exploring that side of me, has really helped to keep my psychy "centered and anchored" over the past 12 months.

The past 2 years have been very bad years for me from a career and income-earning perspective and the past 9 months have been particularly bad...and I'm not talking "slight-day-to-day-problems", I'm talking career death, sell the house, no income sort of stuff. I won't go into the boring details (see * below), but it did create a need and an opportunity for me to analyse and re-assess most aspects of my life and of "me". It's really during that process that I for the first time realised that I was transgendered and that it wasn't simply a fetish that would disappear or could be controlled.

If you've read my website, you'll know that I am really comfortable with who I am. But the amazing thing has been that it's discovering this side of me and expressing it through dressing up, having transformations and going out that I've been able to stay "sane" and centered. And some days it's really the only "thing" or interest that's kept me going. It's probably not totally a good thing, because there is no doubt that I spend too much time focused on "Dee" and my transgenderism. But at the same time it's created a calm acceptance in me of who I am. And knowing who I am and what makes me tick, has really helped me to have the energy to keep going forward. Things like having a transformation at Transfabulous, having photographs taken, developing a website, taking exotic dance classes...these have all helped and continue to help give me a strong psychy.

And then through my t-girl interests, I have also met the most amazing people over the past 12 months. People who are interesting, intelligent and great to be with or talk to. People who accept me and value me as a person even if I am transgendered. I can honestly say that I feel closer to my new friends than I do to most of my "old" friends. I hope I can maintain these friendships...some "real-time" and some are "online" friendships...for the rest of my life. All of you have been an enormous support to me in so many ways and several of you have played just the HUGEST roles in helping me understand myself and grow and develop as a person. And I love talking and communicating with all of you...I apologise for being an "email-pest" at times.

So here's to a "centered-psychy Dee" with lovely new friends who she will never forget.

But I now also need to restore the balance in my life. Without in anyway giving up either my Dee-friends or my interests in expressing my Dee-side, I now also need to bring back and refocus on the other things in my life that are important to me...my wife, my kids, my surfing, my music. So it would seem that, at the mature age of 49, I am finally ready to live as the total me. And with the right balance and focus, I know that my career will get back on track...maybe not tomorrow, but soon.
When all the elements are re-aligned, I'll truly be a happy girl and guy.

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* About why I've been having such a shit 2 years career-wise:

For those of you who have any interest in this sort of stuff...I went to an astrologer and she was the first person who had an explanation for what I've been going through...a logical explanation. I was always a major skeptic about astrology (actually I didn't believe in at all). Thought it was mumbo jumbo. But I don't think so anymore. The problems I've been having after years and years of business and financial success, were starting to make me seriously doubt myself and my abilities. The astrologer was able to put it into a context and a logical framework that made me understand what was happening to me, and why. I've used what I learnt from her, and looked back at the previous time I went through something similar (25 years ago) and the same logic (planet and moon alignments) applied then. Mmmmm...makes a skeptic into a believer.

En Femme on the hotel balcony

2005-03-22T18:27:00.000+11:00

Well, I needed another "dressing fix". So I checked into a hotel this afternoon, did my face, got dressed and then spent a lovely afternoon chatting online to a friend of mine.

I think I've finally got my eye makeup right. Less is better!! Yes, I always heard that and knew that, but somehow always overdid the black shadow and ended up looking like Alice Cooper. Well, no longer...did it perfectly today. And that really was the main purpose of checking into the hotel...to do my makeup and relax without constantly worrying about who might come home unexpectedly.

A bit of an expensive exercise...one night's hotel accommodation...just to get some privacy and femme time. But I guess that's my punishment for being a closet tranny.

And then I got brave...felt like a cigarette, but the hotel rooms are non-smoking rooms. And I wasn't ready to get back into my bloke clothes yet. So in broad daylight, well late afternoon daylight, I left me room...fully made up and dressed in a short micro mini skirt, pink camisole top and high heels...and went and sat on the public balcony and had a ciggie. Watched the passersby in the road...received a few admiring glances from the bus passengers passing by...and just sat back and relaxed. Then back down the passage to my room. No-one in the hotel actually saw me, and that's probably just as well. But if they had, it wouldn't have been an issue for me at all.

Try it, it's fun!

PS. For info of the Sydney girls...I was at the Manor House Hotel in Darlinghurst...in case you were wondering.

2005-03-22T18:25:00.000+11:00

Micro-mini worn on hotel terrace

This is what I was wearing when I sat and had a cigarette on the hotel's public terrace.

Watch the kilo's drop off with exotic dancing

2005-03-05T15:15:00.000+11:00

It's amazing what incredible exercise exotic dancing is. That's not the reason why I started doing it, but it's just a fantastic side benefit that I've discovered.

I've always hated going to the gym and haven't done so for about 6 years. Yes I'm fit...I run long distances every week. And because of that my legs are fit, strong and toned. But I've been struggling to lose this middle aged spread (or "tyre") around my waist. In addition I have too much body fat on my torso. I know it's caused by drinking too much wine...that alchohol and sugar just settles around my waist and on my back.

Since having my first exotic dance class two weeks ago, I've been practicing at home about 3 times a week for an hour. It's fantastic exercise and the sweat pours down my body. And off course I love the sexy moves! Looks sooooo fantastic in the mirror, especially with my hotpants or short pink dance dress on.
But the real benefit to me has been the fact that I've lost one kilo over the past two weeks, and all of it from my mid riff. So it looks like I'm slowly going to shake off that horrible stubborn fat. I can also feel that I am getting more flexible and my waist, pelvis and hips definitely have more movement in them than they did before.

So I can't be any happier about all aspects of my new found interest.

One of these days a "slimmed-down Dee" will be able to do a sexy dance show. Can't wait for that.

Night out en femme at Taxi Club, Sydney

2005-02-26T12:42:00.000+11:00

This blog also appears on my website Blog Journal page (www.deefemina.com)

I had a lovely evening out last night. Getting a makeover from Transfabulous, and as usual Cyanne was able to make me look ever so gorgeous. Then got dressed in my new Kookai satin skirt...which is too short for my age, but I love it; and my new high heels... which is too high for me to comfortably walk in, but I love the way it makes my legs look.

Three of us set off for a quiet drink at the Taxi Club...Cyanne, me and Wendy (who I've been exchanging emails with, but not met until the evening). I'm not wild about the Taxi Club, but it was a great evening. We chatted, had a few drinks and chatted somemore. I also met several other girls, which was great.

All round an excellent evening, meeting and chatting with interesting and nice people.

I guess I have changed my previous opinion of the Taxi Club. While the decor and atmosphere still sucks, it does serve a very useful purpose in that it's really convenient for meeting other like-minded crossdressers / T-girls. So yes, I was pleasantly surprised.

Cyanne, Wendy, Traci and Megan...thanks for making this a really great evening shared with interesting, fun and nice people. I just wish I'd taken photographs...I had my camera, but completely forgot about it due to all the chatting.

And now I've had my "dressing fix", so I should be okay for the next few months.

Exotic Dance Class - What a FANTASTIC experience

2005-02-18T17:43:00.000+11:00

Well, I went to my first exotic dance class. All I can say is...IT WAS FANTASTIC!!! Better than I could possibly have imagined. Actually, not simply "better than"...it totally exceeded my wildest expectations.

Bobbi of Bobbi's Pole Studio in Sydney, was my teacher. She was wonderful. Totally cool and relaxed about having her first crossdresser as a student. And a lovely person. That, and her expert teaching made it a great experience.

Picture me...5'11", late-40's, too much fat around the mid-rif, in a pink camisole T-top, pinkish hot pants and pink high heeled sandals, but with my normal "bloke face"; doing hip lifts, hip rotates and attempting sexy feminine arm movements as I strutted the new very very sexy walk Bobbi had taught me. And this contrasted in the full length mirrors with the beautiful Bobbi who has the most amazing dancer's body.

Let's just say that I have a looooooong way to go before I could emulate Bobbi's movements. Well actually, I'll never be able to emulate her, but I'm going to perservere by practicing and going for more classes. I just loved it so much, even if the illusion of being a sexy woman was somewhat shattered (and yes, I can laugh about my illusions) by what I saw of myself in the mirror.
But this "girl" is going to train and train until I am at least half sexy as an exotic dancer.

And as a bonus it was a fantastic workout. I haven't worked up such a sweat for years. It's better than my weekly 20km run. And I felt muscles being exercised that I didn't even know existed. So I now have a whole additional exercise plan, which will not only tighten my butt and strengthen my abs and thighs...but it will also make me look ever so sexy. Ha! What more can a girl want!

I have a whole new respect for dancers and showgirls. While the sweat was poring down my body...and I am fit, I run a half-marathon every week...Bobbi didn't raise the slightest bit of perspiration. Talk about being super fit.
And those hip movements! I don't know whether it's just me or whether it's a male thing, but those hip movements are not easy. In fact they are DAMN DIFFICULT. It looks so natural and easy when Bobbi does it, but when I try the muscles just won't let my body move smoothly. And once the brain tries to intervene, well then it all goes haywire.

Girls, if you are comfortable enough with who you are and with your body image to cope with the contrast between your "girl" looks and Bobbi's, then I suggest you go and do some exotic dance classes...it's the best. Who knows, Bobbi may even start a "tranny class"...that's a joke Bobbi.

So where do you go? Well if you're in Sydney, Bobbi's Pole Studio in Castlereagh Street is the place. Check it out on www.bobbispolestudio.com.au .

Exotic Dancing Classes - my latest crazy thought

2005-02-14T15:58:00.000+11:00

Well, I can't believe that I'm actually planning this. For ages I've been thinking that I should do something about my lack of sexy feminine movements. So I've been thinking "Where can I go to get training in feminine movement and deportment?" I thought about modelling schools, but discarded that....no way a 40-something crossdresser can blend into a modelling deportment class.

And then I thought...hey, how about exotic dance classes. Striptease is sexy and sensual and very feminine! So that's what I'm going to do...go for a striptease class! Can't wait. It should be heaps of fun and who knows, hopefully I actually learn feminine mannerisms.

Relaxing Waxing

2005-02-08T15:36:00.000+11:00

I had a most wonderful leg (and other!) wax last week. It's something that I find incredibly relaxing. I can lie there and fall fast asleep while my legs are being waxed. It's not painful and it's in fact very sensual and "pampering". Wonderful wonderful experience each time.

Last week's waxing was even better. A very experienced and excellent beautician did my waxing (for those living in Sydney Australia, I highly highly recommend Anna, the owner/director of The Bee's Knees www.thebeesknees.com.au . Go and experience the best!). Anyway, back to my story....

Not only did I have my legs waxed, but I also had a bikini wax and I had those ugly yucky male hairs removed from my backside. So now I'm all smooth and pink at the back and nice and neat at the front :) . And Anna was wonderful...totally comfortable doing a bikini and "crack" wax.

MAC Cosmetics Shopping - Love the experience

2005-02-01T15:38:00.000+11:00

I love MAC cosmetics and I love telling the beauticians that I'm buying it for myself. Firstly, that ensures that I get the correct advice from them and that I end up with the right shades, etc. But another part of me enjoys the fact that they look at me with some amazement.

Yesterday was a classic example of pretty much every MAC shopping experience. I went into the MAC cosmetic shop and was instantly asked if they can help. I said, "Yes, I'm looking for lipstick for evening wear. "What colouring is she?", I was asked. My response is the same everytime. "Actually it's for me. For my alter-ego. Here let me show you." And then I produce one of the photographs of me dressed up as Dee. The beautician's response was, "Is that you!" Then she looked up at me (obviously dressed en homme), looked back at the photograph, looked back at me and said "WOW!". God I love that reaction. I've been there about four times, everytime served by a different beautican, and every single time the reaction has been almost word for word identical.

It's worth shopping there, and employing my little "trick", just to get that reaction.

How does a married closet crossdresser end up with pink toenails?

2005-01-29T13:28:00.000+11:00

Mmmm...so how did I end up with pink toenails and no-one is surprised? Easy. My daughter has a holiday job at a beauty salon and she insisted on using my toenails to practice her pedicure skills. I didn't complain or resist :) .

2005-01-29T12:18:00.000+11:00

Dee's toenails and ankle bracelet

Why do I have this need to expose my crossdressing to people?

2005-01-29T10:29:00.000+11:00

Something I've been wondering about and contemplating for quite some time is "Why do I seem to have this need and desire to expose myself to other people as a crossdresser?". Sort of "outing" myself.

Now for those of you who haven't read my website, I'm a closet crossdresser. My wife, family and everyday friends and colleagues don't know that I'm a crossdresser. There is only a small circle of new friends, who I've met through the TG community, who know me as Dee. Is this relevant? Don't know, but it probably is.

So back to my need to "out" myself.

An example of this is when, a few years back, I decided to have some glamour photographs taken. Yes, I did want some nice photos of me en femme, but far more important was the need to be dressed as Dee in front of other people...being the makeup artist and photographer. And it was a fantastic experience to be "outed" in this way. Then there was the time I went to try on an evening dress. I was contemplating buying it, but again it was more the excitement of the shop assistant knowing that I was buying the dress for myself that drove me into the shop and had me trying on the dress in the changing room. Oh yes, and modelling it to the shop assistant!

Why? Why do I have this need and desire? I can't figure it out at all. It doesn't seem to fit the rest of my character (I'm actually quite shy and a bit introverted) and yet I want to do it constantly.

Maybe it's because I'm in the closet. That's the most likely explanation I can think of. Or is there some "kinky" part of my psyche that drives me to do this?

I certainly know that I also have a desire not to be in the closet. I'd love to be in a position to dress en femme whenever I felt like it and to always keep my body smoothly waxed and nails manicured and pedicured. In fact, in the perfect world, I'd dress en femme all the time. While I'd love to dress en femme, I have no desire to actually be a woman. I have no need or thought about transitioning physically through hormones or surgery. I just want to dress as a woman.

So, back to my crossdressing exhibitionism...is it my way of sporadically coming out of the closet? Or maybe it's my way of slowly progressing to coming out of the closet?

Mmmm...interesting! Well to me in any case.

Welcome to my blog

2005-01-24T11:07:00.000+11:00

I've been thinking about this for ages. Starting my own blog where I can record my thoughts, views, feelings and everything else relating to my crossdressing. Why? Well partly because I only fully came to understand myself, my transgenderism, my need to crossdress, and everything else relating to that part of my personal development, when I started writing it down. There is something incredibly powerful when you write things down...you can reflect on it, analyse it, explore the thought further and then I generally find that my thought processes gets refined until it's clear.

My intention is to record my thoughts on this blog. Some posts may be irrelevant and even boring to anyone other than myself. At other times I'll express my opinions on topics which are relevant to the transgender community, and there are many that are controversial and where I have an opinion. Or maybe I'll just talk about my music interests. I don't know. Let's see where this goes.

By the way, I'd love comments and feedback from anyone who reads my blogs.